Just the other night……
A friend and I were driving through an ice storm. Newscasters were bleating through the stereo, and the storm was getting much denser with each passing moment.
“It’s cold as hell out there. Cold as ice,” he said craning his neck to see the dead streetlights.
“Hell isn’t very cold from what I hear,” I said.
“Hell will be whatever you don’t want it to be. You may want a hot sauna, but what you’ll get is something a lot cooler,” he said, fish-tailing outward.
“Uh-huh, I get that there are different levels. I’m sure on some level it’s all perspective, anyway,” I added.
“So what would be cold as ice from your perspective,” he asked, throwing the vehicle into four wheel drive to try and escape the ditch we had slid into.
“Hands-down,” I said with absolution. “Ex-girlfriend.”
“Surely you can think of something better than an ex,” he said. “She may be cold as ice now, but she burned with passion for you once, probably just as bad as she burns with passion to kill you now.”
“Very true,” I added, urging the vehicle sideways in the storm. “But, cold as ice is a tough one.”
“I’m sure there’s more,” he said. “Think of good scenarios, too.”
“Oh, I got it. One time, in high school, I called a bully out in front of the entire classroom and the teacher actually took my side. She even inadvertently added that from the way he was acting toward me, he was displaying signs of a closeted homosexual and should simply tell me how he really felt.”
“Please tell me this was one of those homophobic redneck types.”
“Oh yeah,” I said.
“Nice,” he said, pouring some coffee into a thermos lid and a small insulated cup. He handed one to me. “We still have time before the tow truck comes. So what else takes a spot in your description?”
“Hmmm, cold as ice. Another good one in my opinion, in the sense of the world, would be a ‘mic drop moment’,” I said, making quotes in the air.
“As in ‘I just dropped some sick free-style rhymes on you, what up’,” he asked.
“Yeah, but instead of a middle finger to the other person rapping, it’s on a much larger scale. The middle finger is huge, my friend. Imagine if America, for example, bombed the ever-lovin’ hell outta North Korea. Knowing they have the technology, resources, and intelligence to strategically do the job correctly and save innocent lives, but they still chose the latter of the latter option and moved to the modern day barbarian’s version of ‘takin’ care of business’,” I said.
“The next morning, when called out by the rest of the world, they give an overly rehearsed speech that, if the cliff notes serve correctly, is just their way to say something like this, ‘blah blah blah they deserved every last explosion, blah filler blah we police the world so you don’t have to, filler filler blah blah, a thank you would suffice, blah blah fuck you, we owe no explanation.’ Que the mic drop as the president walks off-stage,” I said.
“Savage,” he said.
“Cold as ice,” I replied.