Confessions of a People Watcher #1: An Asshole Banner

I sit at my desk sometimes, wondering why I still come back to writing. I can honestly say that at this point, if nothing else, it serves as a good outlet from the pressures of adulthood. Often times after sitting down for a good try at another short story, I’d forget the whims of the day and focus inward. I suppose this new blog could be called Looking Outward to Look Inward, but to me it sounds too… meaningful. Not to say that anyone’s spilling of their heart is meaningless, but does that person’s opinion really matter?

The answer is no.

Collectively, they might, but as far as I’m concerned, opinions don’t mean very much at all unless backed up with a great deal of surmisable evidence. In lamence, have your facts straight in order at the door because if not, the offices of He Who and Gives-a-Damn are apt to throw you to the masses to join in on the picketing and riots; after all, misery does love company, or so I’m told.

I don’t like company. I don’t really like people either. I don’t talk to people, and I’d rather not listen if I’m being honest.

I watch people.

A people watcher is what you might call me, and what I’ve come to observe is that a great deal of people are assholes. Since the world happens to be spitting out more of us at rather quick pace, I guess it would only make sense that more assholes are starting to pop up, too. I’m no exception to this, but I wear the banner proudly on my shoulder. That makes me special, right?

The answer is no.

No one is special in this world, period. I’m not, you aren’t, your kids aren’t, and your aunt in Omaha isn’t, wherever the hell that is. (Seriously, I don’t want to look up where Omaha is, but I haven’t an earthly idea where it lies on the map. Maybe somewhere in the U.S.; maybe in the North, yeah that seems right. If anyone from Omaha is reading this, please let me know, and understand I’m not picking on anyone from Omaha. Like a repressed childhood memory, it simply popped up and stuck with me.)

I could end it here and get on with my life, but I deliberately spent a lot of money and time on this site so I would continue writing. Is that self-destructive? Maybe, but I think it’s perfectly healthy to let off some steam every now and again, even if it is to slander the face of the masses, and it’s cheaper than therapy.

So, you can add a bold self-serving in front of my asshole banner, but I reserve the right to wedge a yet frugal between the two.

Given that, I want to start this series of satire with a few words of comfort. At the end of the day I think everyone, given enough time and energy, can be a better version of themselves. I wouldn’t believe this for myself if not believing it for others as well; I wouldn’t be writing anything if I thought it wouldn’t give at least a few good laughs.

So in high spirits, I’m going to tell you about the people I watch.